'Star Trek V' - Yes, it did happen

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is the black sheep of the TOS-era movie family.  Like Highlander 2 or Windows ME, it's something that even enthusiastic fans prefer to pretend never happened.

Why is this?  Because ST5 is an awful film, plain and simple.  

The plot, while striving for epic metaphysical and humanist gold, falls so far short that it might as well have been a discarded Outer Limits script.  

William Shatner, although I have much love and respect for the man, was also apparently not much of a director.  

Then you've the special effects--something that, thanks to Industrial Light & Magic, the Star Trek films had been able to do very well up to this point.  Unfortunately, ILM was unavailable for ST5 (I've heard it's because they were busy on the third Indiana Jones movie and the Ghostbusters sequel).  So the effects were farmed out to various second-tier shops...and it shows.  From the "Hey, you can almost see the green screen!" effects of the shuttle crash-landing to the short-shrifted confrontation with "God", the lack of budget and cohesion on the visual effects shows.

This was the movie that almost killed Star Trek.  It was so poorly-received, that it essentially ended Harve Bennett's association with the franchise.

And yet, I can't help but re-watch the movie from time to time.  Why is that?  Because for all of its flaws--and they are plentiful and profound--ST5 delivers in one important area:  Character interaction, especially between Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

As I've said elsewhere, that interaction is one of my favorite things about these original cast films.  Hell, it may be my favorite thing about them.  So despite all that's wrong with ST5, I don't apologize for appreciating it for the little corners where it succeeds.

So bring on the suck.

---

• Sybok, Spock's half-brother and our "villain" (if you can call him that) for this little disaster is played by Laurence Luckinbill, who I generally prefer when he's recruiting young men for Operation Mindcrime.  Reportedly, the producers originally wanted Sean Connery, who wisely told them to get bent (presumably, he was busy doing something awesome).
• Wait, a lady with three boobs in a bar?  I think Total Recall has an apology to make.
• Caithlan Dar. Rowr.
• St. John Talbot, the Federation representative on Nimbus III, is played by David Warner--who thankfully was given a chance to play a much better role in a much better Star Trek movie.  He also played Gul Madred in the two-part TNG episode "Chain of Command".
• Nobody cares about Korrd.
• "I think this new ship was put together by monkeys."
• Hey, Kirk:  "Tennessee whiskey" ≠ "bourbon" (usually)
• "I've always known...I'll die alone."
  ...
  You know, except for when I don't die alone two movies from now.
• What the f**k is a "marshmellon"?  I thought you were a smart guy, Spock.
  
  (There's actually a silly "fanon" explanation for this.  I believe it involves the accusation that McCoy screwed with the ship's computer so Spock would get the name wrong when he did his researching for "camping out".)
• Even the Klingons in this move suck.  A bunch of punks who can't afford sleeves and run around shooting old space probes.  Between this movie and ST3, we can pretty much assume that the Klingon High Council doesn't spend a lot of time keeping track of where its Bird-of-Prey commanders are, or what they're up to.
• "'All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by'."
  "Melville."
  "John Masefield."
  "Are you sure about that?"
  "I am well-versed in the classics, Doctor."
  "Then how come you don't know 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'?"
• "I could use a shower."
  "Yes."
• "Hey, Nichelle...you can sing, right?  You used to do some singing in the series?"
  "Yeah, actually.  Are you going to let me sing in this movie?"
  "Yes.  But there's a catch."
• "What's 'Emergency Landing Plan B'?"
• "You mean he's your brother-brother?  You made that up."
  
  It's pretty idiotic that Spock doesn't tell them that Sybok is his half-brother earlier.
• Why does the space-toilet in the brig say "DO NOT USE WHILE IN SPACE DOCK"? O_o
• "I know this ship like the back of my head."
  *konk*
• 78 decks?  That's only 3-4x too many.  No biggie.
• "Oh my God, don't do this to me!"
  Even in this steaming pile of a movie, DeForest Kelley turns in a great performance.  I'm beginning to think that not only is he one of my favorite actors from the original cast, he may be the best actor of the bunch (no disrespect to the others).
• Pretty sure Dr. McCoy mercy-killed his dad with a Game Boy.
• I know I said it earlier in my intro...but blech, these VFX are baaaaaaaad, even for 1989.
• "Excuse me, I'd just like to ask a question.  What does God need with a starship?"
• There was supposed to be a big fight with some rock people at the end here or whatever, but it didn't go down because:  1) The VFX budget was blown by all of the other crappy effects; and 2) That would have been laaaaaaaaame.
• "Damn you, sir.  You will try."
• "Please, Captain.  Not in front of the Klingons."
• "I lost a brother once.  I was lucky I got him back."

And that's that...the worst of the original cast films.  We laughed, we cried, we asked God what he needed with a starship.